The not so funny funny story!
by Kyleena
Summary: This will be an attempt at a funny story. Nothing is as it seems! Beware! Hehe. Chapter two is up...wow....weird.
1. Chapter 1

**_The not so funny funny story!_**

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**This will be my attempt at a funny Cullen Story! Laugh if you will....please tell if funny.**

**WARNING: No characters will be the same as in the books!**

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**EsPoV**

Crash! Bang! Boom! Ahh. What unlovley children I have...well Bella is kind of normal. Sort of...though the others are wearing off on her. Edward is...well Edward. Alice is a shopaholic little freak. Rosalie is a self absorbd teenage vampire. Jasper is well...kinda evil. Emmett is....um. Kinda stupid...not kinda. Bella is...somewhat on the normal side. Exept she has an obssesion for shiny things... "Emmett! What the heck did you break!" I called. Outside...in the sun. With my garden. Ahh, garden...it didn't talk back...or break stuff. I didn't know where Carlisle my darling husband was....probably escaped to work...lucky vampire.

"Nothing Esme." Called Rose. "Yeah!" I yelled "Sounded like a hole lotta nothin." Bella laughed. They better not have broken the T.V. That would have been the third one...in one day!!!!

"I didn't do it!" Emmett called. "Mmhmm" Bella laughed again. "I didn't! Jasper did! And it was...the window!" Bella just burst out laughing...maybe she did have a problem. I growled and marched into the house. The window that outlooked the front lawn was...gone! Bella was rolling around on the floor laughed...Edward was watching from 'his' corner. Rose and Emmett...were...what were they doing? Shudders. Alice was leaning down from the top of the stairs. I have a weird family. And Jasper...Jasper was lying on his stomach on the grass. He was also lying on top of a lot of glass. "What?" Bella sat up quickly. "He thought he could fly." she stated simply then went over and sat beside Edward in 'his' corner. Edward growled. "Oh shut up." Bella yelled hitting him on his head. Alice laughed. "Jasper! We can't fly." I told him. Jasper grumbled something unintelligent. It sounded something like: "I needed to be sure so I could take over the world" but hey! I was probably wrong.

"Clean that up!" I commanded and went back out to tend to my garden. It had lots of pretty flowers in it. They were pretty.

**BPoV**

"Calm down Edward." I mutterd. He was stilll growling. I didn't know why. It was only me. Emmett and Rose had left...to go do who knows what who knows where...ughn. Alice had gone to reorganize her closet for the what was it? Oh I can' t rememember what time it was...and it's early! Edward growled again. I really wish I could shut him up...but I couldn't since he was so desperate to leave me and damned human...

Jasper had decided to get up. With super cool vampire speed he cleaned up the mess right away. Then he tried to go work the computer to get Esme and new window.... I like shiny things! Edward doesn't like me playing with shiny things. He thinks I'll get and obsession....but it's to late now! I stood up and walked over to the couch. Edward followed. All of a sudden he was jumping over and invisible line...I wonder about him sometimes. My vampire fiance jumping over invisible lines...oh my. "Alice?" I called. She suddenly appeared beside me...before I called her. "Yes Bella?" she asked. Even though she knew what I would ask. "Will you chan-" Alice shook her head "No, Bella." I sighed. "Why?" I asked.

"Because your so called fiance is supposed to." she answered. I looked at her. "Edward? He's jumping over and invisible line Alice." She shook her head. "No, now he is skipping with an invicible rope." I rolled my eyes. "See! That's why you should." She was gone..."Now I'll just talk to myself." I walked over to the wall. "Or I could talk to the wall. Hi how ya doin wall? Good? Me too. I normally talk to the floor but I don't feel like falling."

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**_Well what do you think? Review review review for cake! ~Kyleena~ XoXo_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**The not so funny funny story!**_

**Still my attempt at a Funneh Cullen Story!**

**WARNING: No characters will be the same as in the books!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its Characters. Go talk to Stephenie Meyer about that.**

**CPoV**

The door slammed back against the wall. "I'm home!" I bellowed into the white house. My voice echoed around me. That was strange. Normally they were jumping around my feet like starving dogs!

"Carlisle!" Bella screeched. She sounded close.

"Bella? Oh Bella? Where are you Bella?" I yelled.

Bella pushed the door open, smacking me in the nose. "Present!" She said very loudly.

I glared at her, "Bella, your not in school anymore. Remember? Edward had you taken out and homeschooled when we found out about your love of shiny things. Remember yet? You would stand outside your locker all day with the door open because there was a mirror on the inside and it was shiny. So, when someone calls your name you don't have to say present anymore." I gasped after getting all that out. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've talked to you enough for one night and am off to find Esme!" I yelled and walked out of the room.

I could hear her babbling away behind me. Probably talking to the floor again. Or some other inanimate thing. Who knows, it's Bella, I don't think she even knows what she's doing more than half the time. "Esme!" I yelled as I walked out the backdoor.

She was lying on the ground in the middle of her 'pretty' garden. I said 'pretty' because really, all of her flowers are dead and ugly colors. Of course I would never, never tell her that! I love her and if tell her that she won't do what I want her to do for me at night. What exactly do I ask of her you say? I'm not telling!

It took her a while but once Esme had realized I had called her she bolted straight up. She ran towards me and jumped into my arms, which weren't open by the way. I stumbled backwards and we both fell to the ground. Did I mention that I didn't want a hug from her… not now anyway.

"You're home!" She screeched into my ear as we landed on the ground. I nodded stiffly and pushed her off me.

"Yup!" I said as I jumped on top of her. If I had been talking to any of…them! I would've said something along the lines of 'No shit, Sherlock!' but with it being my lovely wife I couldn't do that since it would make her mad.

Though it was kind of fun sometimes I didn't want her mad for what I had planned for us tonight. Oh no! That would be the worst thing ever. I'm not going into details though as that would probably gross you out. And I don't like grossing people out. I mean, I'm a doctor so yeah I have to sometimes. But this kind of grossing out is a whole other thing…

**APoV**

I was sorting through my closet yet again. Have you seen my closet? No? You should come over some time and visit. I might let you borrow some of my clothes, if you're nice to Jasper. Jasper's very sensitive. So if you not nice to him he'll cry and say that you'll be the first one to die when he rules the world.

But, then again, there are about five hundred people who are going to die first. No! I am not one of them! How dare you suggest that! Anyway, back to my beautiful closet. It's huuuge! I mean humongous. It's at least the size of a small house. You could probably live in it if need be.

But I would never do that because then all my clothes wouldn't have a place to live. You should see how many clothes I have. Out of the huge closet Jasper only has one dresser and two racks of clothes. The rest is all mine, mine, mine! If I were human, which I'm not, it would take me three days at least to reorganize all my clothes.

Have you seen how fast a Vampire can move? It's very fast; when I move my fastest it still takes at least three hours to reorganize my clothes. I have a lot of clothes, did I say that already? I think I did. But it's true. I normally throw away one hundred different clothes pieces a day. I never wear the same thing once! Never! I also shop at least ten times a week. Jasper takes me so that I agree with his evil plans to take over the world.

I don't agree with them of course. Well, some of them I do. But hardly any of them do I agree with. Honest! I wouldn't' lie to you would I?! I mean, I'm Alice Cullen! Seriously, just get over it already! I don't lie and don't' agree with Jasper being evil!

Ugh! If you're going to be like that just leave!

**EPoV**

I sat in my corner listening to the disgusting sounds that Esme and Carlisle were making outside. Alice was apparently reorganizing her closet, yet again. How do I know that being all alone downstairs in MY corner? She talks and fights with her self when she reorganizes her closet. She pretends that she's talking to one of her new best friends.

But really, it's just a voice in her head. I should know. She just told the person to leave btw. That's chat speak for by the way. Bella is teaching me chat speak. She's obsessed with shinny things and her new phone is shiny, unfortunately. I know lots of chat speak, wanna hear them? No, to bad…am I sounding like Alice? I think so. Oh, well. I'll talk to my imaginary friend, that's you btw, and tell you aaalll the chat speak I know! O.K. Btw, OMG! WTF? ROTFLMFAO. NP. WB. Uh…what else? Oh, right! G2G. BRB. 121. Oh, want me to start translation? Okay, I can do that! BTW=by the way…didn't I already tell yah that one? Oh well. OMG=Oh my god! WTF=What the Fuck? ROTFLMFAO=Rolling on The Floor Laughing My Fucking Ass Off. NP=No Problem. WB=Welcome back. G2G= Got to Go. BRB=Be Right Back. Oh! I'm going to brb and get a piece of paper to write them down.

Don't move!

I race into the kitchen and grab a paper and a pen to write down all my awehsome words. Like how I spelled awehsome? It's my new thing. Yah hear?

Okay, you stayed! Yay! Back to translating! 121= tells it self don't it? 1-2-1! Oops, sorry but those are the only ones Bella has told me so far. I'll call yah when she tells me more 'Kay? Oh, see how I said 'Kay, that's my other new thing! Bye!! Oh! Lol=laugh out loud! Now, bubi!

Okay, lol. I hope yah guys liked that one. I honestly love Edward's and Alice's they amused me :D Anyway, please R&R and sorry for not updating this story if 4eva!

~Kyleena~

You'll die in my shadows.


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